A post on Beth's blog got me thinking tonight. She is living outside Utah for the first time in years, and encountering a lot of people with very different standards from her own. She's trying to figure out how to see these people not as "sinful," "wrong," or even necessarily "other," but as folks trying to live life the best way they know how. Her questions highlighted some similar challenges I've been struggling with.
I sincerely try to be the best I can in every sense, and when I meet people with different values I'm often tempted to be critical and focus on how I'm different (translation: "better"). I think my behavior is motivated by pride ("I'm so much better than them. I rock.") and fear ("If I tolerate that in them, maybe I'll let my own standards slip.").
Of course, both attitudes are sheer twaddle. First of all, life isn't a competition and God doesn't grade on a curve, so focusing on the differences and/or shortcomings of others only distracts from the real road to progress: looking inside ourselves to improve our own character.
As for the fear that acceptance will lead to moral laxity, Christ was the ultimate example of loving others despite their (often egregious) mistakes. He cared more about what a person truly desired to be than about the mistakes they made along their way. That applied to everyone from weak apostles to reformed persecutors to repentant harlots.
All that being said, I still struggle with the temptation to judge and compete. It may take years, or even my whole lifetime to break the habit, but I'm determined to keep trying. Lately, I find two principles have helped me a lot.
One is encapsulated in this quote from Sister Hinckley's "Small and Simple Things": "Fifty was my favorite age. It takes about that long to learn to quit competing--to be yourself and settle down to living. It is the age I would like to be through all eternity!" A nice dose of perspective from a woman who was definitely comfortable in her own skin. I just hope I can learn those lessons before my fifth decade.
The other principle is from Stephen R. Covey's original "7 Habits" book. Years ago one of his sons was struggling socially, and Covey realized that he was trying to change his son's behavior mainly to gratify his own sense of self-worth as a parent. He decided that what his son really needed was a father who would let him make his own way and enjoy him for who he was, rather than struggling to mold him into the personality he expected him to be.
That principle of enjoying people rather than wishing to change them has really stuck with me. Of course, there are many instances (especially for parents) when we need to teach correct values and behavior. Most of the time, though--with friends, co-workers, grocery store clerks, etc.--efforts to change behavior would be futile, and probably even inappropriate. In those cases, we are faced with the choice to either grump about what we don't like, or enjoy what we do.
There is something fiendishly tempting about the grumpy road, but I find that when I look for things to admire and enjoy in people, I always find them and come away from the encounter a happier person.
Now, if I can just remember that when I don't have Beth to remind me . . .
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5 comments:
Yes! This is exactly what I was thinking about, but better expressed. I've been kind of running between extremes of thought and encountering people both in very liberal and very conservative camps and just wondering where I stood on a lot of things.
I like the recognition that part of the reason why we hesitate over acceptance is that we're afraid that somehow accepting the person means we condone their behavior, and even that we come that much closer to mimicing that behavior ourselves.
I think your idea to just enjoy each person is brilliant. Thank you.
Oh what a wealth of thoughts crowded my tiny little brain at ths post! It's actually quite heartening for me to read this (the original post that inspired you as well) because I am generally on the other side of this dilemma thinking the very same thoughts!
It has been difficult for me, especially of late, to look at very religious people and not think, wow, how incredibly judgemental and hypocritical that person is. Now, I know that such is hardly the point of most of the world's religions, but unfortunately, not every church-goer is as open-minded and generous as you! I actually think it is one of the very reasons I love you so much--you help to remind me that people cannot be judged as a group. (And I hope that I remind you of the same thing!) And it is difficult sometimes, to remember not to be judgemental from the other direction. In other words, not to consider myself morally superior because while my beliefs may not hold strictly to any religious principles, at least I am relatively consistent and upfront about them. I actually saw this bumper sticker that illustrates this rather well: "I bet Jesus would use his turn signals."
But what you say is so true. Especially the part about accepting people for who they are being incredibly difficult. I think the effort is comendable, particularly because I don't believe most people are self-aware enough to question the judgements they make day to day. I think so many elements of this world encourage us to doubt ourselves that we are constantly looking for ways to reassure ourselves that we have worth. Unfortunately, that sometimes means that we look down on other people. This has certainly been something that I have been struggling with for a long time and I suspect that it is a life-long work.
I think that in the end, both you and Beth are on the right track, as I hope, am I. That the best we can do is recognize that we're making judgements and then work to suspend them enough to really get to know someone for who they are. Afterall, I've found that most people generally want and value the same things at a fundamental level; we just define them differently and find different paths to achieve them.
I think it's funny personally. Because I am amazed every time I meet someone who has been sheltered from the world. One sister said when she moved here, she went to girl scouts with her daughter and they were serving ice tea as the drink. She was so shocked that they left. I just laughed. I thought it was funny. Or when they say I can't believe they did that, or said that, what are they doing? It's like when your in Utah you don't see things or hear things as often as others do. I feel getting to know people who are not members is fun, because I also see things in a different perspective from there minds. Then I can help them better later. Alex and I have a saying, if you live in utah you are a utard. No ofense, but it's funny. How they are so naive. No ofense, again.
Siobhan, I'm glad I know you for many reasons. One of them is that you remind me that a person can be deeply principled and religious, and still be liberal. As you say, most of us - no matter who we vote for - are trying to leave this world better than we found it. Sometimes we define "better" differently. Other times we have the same definition, but different priorities.
Serena, I attended BYU where students sign an honor code that includes men not having beards. If you saw any guy with a scruffy face on campus, it usually meant he was rebellious, lazy, or both. Once I graduated and started my graduate program at another school, it took me weeks to get it through my head that in California, beards are just a fashion statement, not evidence of questionable character. :)
Any post that uses the word "twaddle" has to be awesome.
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