A commenter on STM’s blog recently included a link to an article about praising children. It reported that children who are praised for their intelligence come to fear risks and don’t work as hard, whereas children praised for their efforts are more willing to try new things, and try harder. The “smart” kids fear that failure will mean they aren’t smart after all, and they put in minimal effort because they assume smart people succeed effortlessly while dumb people have to work at things. The “hard-working” kids, on the other hand assume they are in control of their success, and that they can always achieve it by working a little harder and trying again when they do fail. Studies also found that continual praise can actually be less effective than intermittent praise, because the child comes to expect constant reinforcement.
I was particularly struck by a study on inner-city students in which a group of them were taught lessons that intelligence is not innate and that the brain is like a muscle—if you exercise it, it grows stronger and more effective. Many of the students openly mocked the lessons, but as the semester progressed their study habits and grades improved while the habits and scores of the control group stayed the same.
All of this particularly resonated with me because I often praise Joy for being “smart” when she figures something out or “good” when she obeys a rule. I don’t know if she entirely understands me, but I’ve already noticed that when I prompt her to say a word she knows well, she sometimes evades my request, even if it means walking away from a toy she apparently wanted to play with. Perhaps that behavior is unrelated to my past praise, but I do think it wise in the future to praise what she does (e.g. “good job sounding that word out” or “thanks for following directions”) rather than praise qualities she can’t control (e.g. “you’re so smart”).
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7 comments:
Wow--such an interesting article! I think I might have been one of those kids who was so praised for being smart that I'm somewhat paralyzed to try something new because it might mean not being good at it--that having to work at something means I'm dumb. It sounds crazy but it's true. I'm only now beginning to realize that it's okay to try, try again to get something right.
I hope that didn't sound arrogant. I'm not that smart--I was just one of the brainy kids back in school days.
I really liked this. My family is a great example--of the four kids, my little sister became the hardest worker because to much didn't come naturally to her and she craved (craves) praise. As an adult, she has become probably the most successful at the youngest age of the four of us. At least by some measures of success.
And Desmama is definitely not arrogant, but she is extremely smart. Don't let her fool you. :)
I remember reading an article similar to this about a year ago. It is really interesting and makes a lot of sense. Since then, I try to say, "Nice work!" or "You were working really hard on that!" When Tyler gets frustrated, I will say, "Is it hard for you? Do you need help or do you want to keep trying on your own?" It seems to work, and now I hear Dylan saying "Hard me!" when he needs help with something.
I think it helps a lot when kids become impatient with something. If they are praised for working hard, they may not feel so bad about not finishing or getting it right.
Thanks for posting something to get me thinking. I was raised in a results-oriented family and have a tendency to "rescue" my kids when they're having a tough time with something. I'm going to start using the questions that Kerri suggested. I think they're helpful for all ages.
Also, praise is important. Just today I told my hubby that for every critical/correction comment he gives our son, he needs to try to balance it out with a couple positive/humorous interactions. That way their relationship can be more than our son just trying to please his dad. (I was raised to be a pleaser, and it's taken me a loooong time to learn how to do what's best for me -- even if it disappoints or displeases others I love.)
Desmama, this article particularly resonated with me because, like you, I found its scenarios very familiar. I acquired a "smart" label early on and good grades came easily to me, and in later years I wanted to keep being "smart" and successful without working at it.
I also shied away from trying things I wasn't instantly good at. Only recently have I become more adventurous, and I regret all the years that I let fear squelch curiosity.
I don't know if "effort praise" will entirely spare my kids a similar fate, but it's certainly worth a try.
hmmm ... interesting.
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