A young family just moved here from Utah, and the mom recently shared an interesting story about interstate differences in the definition of "playtime." She was picking up her oldest child from kindergarten, and the daughter asked if a schoolmate could come over to play. They walked over to ask Mommy A if that was all right, and the woman seemed taken aback by the request. Seeking to diffuse the situation, Utah Mom invited Mommy A to come over, too, to get to know the family. She even offered to come to Mommy A's house instead, if that would work out better. In the end, Mommy A said she "just wasn't comfortable with that."
The next day, Utah Mom's daughter asked if a different girl could come over. UM approached Mommy B about the prospect, thinking that perhaps Mommy A was just unusually protective. To her surprise, she got the same reaction from Mommy B. Both Mommies seemed to think that spontaneous, unscheduled play was a totally alien concept.
After Mommy B walked away, Mommy C (who had overheard the exchange) said, "Look--that woman probably has her child scheduled for sports, music lessons, and who knows what else throughout the week. If you really want your child to interact with other kids, you'll need to schedule a play date. Or better yet, just sign her up for gymnastics."
When Mommy C moved on, Mommy D (who had heard BOTH conversations) approached UM with a smile and said, "I think our daughters need to be friends." So while the rest of the kindergartners are working on everything from ballet to Chinese, these two girls are just playing. Like normal kids. Revolutionary idea, I know.
For some reason, the idea of play dates has always struck me as odd. When my daughter is older and my life busier, maybe the idea of scheduling time for her to have fun will seem reasonable, but right now it seems to represent an inversion of priorities. Don't get me wrong--I'm all in favor of extra-curricular activities, but when they completely crowd out good, old-fashioned fun, there's something wrong with that picture. There are important lessons to be learned from playing, too.
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Yeah, Here you just don't ask for someone to come over. I learned real fast with Christopher to just talk and converse with the moms of the friends that he really liked for a few weeks and then, I would start the playdates. I would ask the moms if they would like to come over to our house and check everything out and tell them about our standards, so they would get comfortable with everything. They always have invited us over also, so once that started and we exchanged phone #s, I haven't had any problems. Sometimes I have to go through the younger kids or teenagers, because of the language barrier, since Fontana is considered Mexico in California. haha. I have done the same thing with Lauren, and Sofia. Lauren has 3 to 4 playdates a week. Sofia has 1, but she also plays with Laurens playdates. Moms club, Mommy and Me classes have helped so much in creating that bond. Pre-school does to, especially if you volenteer alot. Lauren has learned Patience with all that, because she wants them to come over right away too. But, she knows that you have to go through a process first. She has it memorized now, and she tells her friends the whole process. hahahah. She has 7 best friends from this whole year and 1/2, and 1 for 5 years because of the process. Christopher had 8. But, with the schooling situation, and now living with Tom and Xinia to go school in Pomona, They have thier own process. It's been a success so far.
Oh, I forgot one of the other important parts. Alot of the moms work or have gone back to work, so, I converse and develope a friendship with the grandparents, or babysitters of the friends Lauren wants to play with. If they go to daycare, we set up saturday events.
That's good to know for future reference.
I still think it's somehow wrong, though, that there has to be a process for making friends and having fun. :\
Out of curiosity, Serena, what standards do you discuss with them?
We're very informal about "play-dates". We don't have weekly scheduled have-to play. But, we do plan ahead when friends can come. Before we moved down here Hannah had a lot of friends and lots of playing around pre-school. Some spontaneous. Some scheduled.
Here in San Diego - not so much. Kindergarten is a lot longer. Mom's don't really talk when picking up. and there are few kids at church Hannah's age (where the mom's stay home like I do). Adam only has one. Thank goodness Adam and Hannah love to play with each other.
The standards are pretty much off of the My Gospel Standards from Primary. I tell the parents that we do not Swear,(You will be surprised on how many kids kuss even in good homes),(Christopher came home from Kindergarten knowing a whole list of them). Next, we do not use the Lords name in vain, (I give other examples for them to use),that we don't Watch R or inappropriate Movies, that we have blocks on the TV, and Computer, that we don't Drink Ice
Tea, or Capiciunno's(Alot of the kids as for those!!!)that we don't play Violent Video games,(We have a Wii and Playstation 2,and some of the kids bring those very violent games over, and we have to say no!)that we listen to Wholesome Music and they can bring over music to Dance to if it is appropriate(One girl brought over the Pussycat Dolls, and one of the songs is Open up my buttons baby, so, the girls were dancing and undoing their shirts, which ofcourse I turned it off immediately, and I pre-screen all music before played haha)that the girls have to use the bathroom one at a time, not all at once(for some reason they like to all go in the bathroom and watch each other go)I have come to pick up Lauren at her friends house and they were all in the bathroom haha, and here they try it too. I don't know why. I tell them that I will bring the girls home if there is any fighting that just needs to end, and the girls need a break, also that if Lauren miss behaves she will be grounded and the playdates will be cancelled that week. At first when I told parents this stuff with Christopher, I wasn't so sure how it would go. But, alot of parents love it, and think it's great that we do that, because they don't have the time to care. I also just don't dump all this on them at once. I bring things up as time goes by also.
One of the reasons I like your blogs (both this one and your family blog) is because I feel like I'm entering an entirely different dimension. I hope you don't mind that you're feeding my ethnography fetish because reading about these experiences and then contemplating the ramifications both for society as a whole and for you personally, truly is fascinating...*grin*
Serena - Thanks for sharing. I wouldn't have thought of most of those things.
Siobhan - I'm glad these windows into my life make you happy. :) Ditto for your blog.
Yeah I work with a lot of youth orchestras and what's happening these days to talented or driven teenagers is really pretty scary. This isn't Japan, you know.
This is a very good book on the subject:
http://www.amazon.com/OVERACHIEVERS-SECRET-LIVES-DRIVEN-KIDS/dp/1401302017
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