This afternoon I read a post by my friend Beth about her struggles to enjoy singlehood. She pointed out that there are so many things to love about being single - freedom, solitude if you desire it, sole management of finances, etc. - but it can be hard to really enjoy them when what you desire most is marriage and children.
I completely relate to that, partly because I spent several years living that paradox, but also because (irony of ironies) I face a similar challenge now that I'm married. I have the world's sweetest husband and an amazingly cheerful and well-behaved baby, but sometimes I forget those incredible blessings as I focus on things I wish I had - more time, freedom to come and go unrestrained by nursing and napping schedules, a yard, central air.
Wishes are human and goals are divine, but if we can't appreciate our current blessings while striving for additional ones, we'll spend our entire lives waiting to be happy. And that's sad.
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I didn't really begin dating until just before and after I was home from my mission. For many years, it was easier for me to picture myself single than it was married. I had pretty well prepped myself to be perfectly content and unmarried. Even harder than imagining myself married was to imagine myself as a mother. I often find myself redefining my goals and ideas about WHO I AM as an individual in light of the fact that I did get married and have children. And yes, indeed, sometimes the grass seems greener and easier on the other side.
I think that one of the great challenges of our human experience is to learn to be happy within ourselves despite any external circumstance. Instead of thinking we always need to get something we can appreciate, we need to appreciate what we have in the moment.
I'm so glad I found your blog. I always find things to make me think. I hope your friend can find ways to have joy. I think 20 something LDS men can be such dork sometimes. In spite of all of the fabulous, slightly older single LDS girls, they go for the immature trophy ones. Or they delay marriage so long they are no longer worth catching.
Sorry for the comment post!
In defense of the "immature trophy [wives]"...
Having been married at 19 I would like to say a word about girls who get married young. The Lord has blessings in store for all of us at any given time. It so happened that I met my husband at 19 and I was spiritually "mature" enough to recognize him as my eternal companion. I am sad that you see younger people's choice in spouse as being motivated only by superficial reasons. I have no doubt that some men and women come together under these pretenses and maybe you were talking about this small group of people. Being young and married is extremely difficult because you are still trying to figure out your place in the world as well as figure out who this person is that you just married. On top of it all you are judged by older people both inside and outside of the church. I received comments from non-members asking me why I was "ruining my life." To make matters worse I was shunned by some of the older women at church, both single and married. I felt like these women believed that I didn't deserve to have met my husband so young and that I had no business "cutting in line." What I could have used was a friend. Older women do have more experience in life, whether they have been married or not. I could have used some perspective from women who had finished school, or who had gone on a mission, or who had navigated their way through the difficult experience of simply growing up. As I stated earlier, the Lord knows who we are and has blessings in store for all of us based upon His time schedule. I am sure that you didn't mean this comment as a blanket statement about all women who marry young. I am just trying to offer another perspective. Please offer your wisdom and more importantly your friendship to all women that you meet. After all, we're in this together!
I'm so sorry, Caitlin! I have known a lot of wonderful women who have gotten married very young. I totally didn't mean to imply that all girls who get married young were immature trophies, although I can see how it certainly came across that way. Being ready for a temple marriage is definitely more about spiritual depth than it is about age. Personally, I would have been a mess if I'd been married at 19.
I think my comments should have been aimed more at LDS men who, more and more, are losing the plot when it comes to the importance of marriage. The real problem is that there are more righteous women than there are men. I think the gap is getting broader all the time. Case in point: my husband went to a conference last weekend and met a guy who was from Utah. Plantboy assumed he wasn't a Mormon because the only person who drank more alcohol at the social events during the conference was an Aussie. It comes out the Plantboy served a mission in Brazil; Mr. Utah pipes right up and starts telling mission stories. Where is the eternal family he should have had? What a waste.
Anyway, I think you put it the best when you said we are all in this together. I agree that what is really needed is some reaching out to one another so that every marriage can be successful and a joy to the woman. Again, I apologize for my overbearing comments from the first post.
I figured that you weren't applying this to all young married women. I was a mess when I got married at 19, but then again, who isn't? It is such a huge adjustment. In some ways I am glad that I got married young because I didn't establish the habits and routines of a single lifestyle. I think it was easier for me to start off with a clean slate. It would be very hard for me to go from years of complete freedom, to married. OK, maybe complete freedom is an exaggeration, but hopefully you get my point. Do you think that it was easier to get married after you had "lived your life" so to speak? Was the transition from single to married difficult and if so in what ways? I would love to hear your thoughts, as well as Kimberly's, on this. By the way, where did you serve your mission?
As to your Mr. Utah story, I do agree that it is a waste. Why is it that men are putting off marriage? Is it fear? Irresponsibility? Immaturity? I don't get it. Does the responsibility of getting married lie more with the man than it does the woman? Is that why there are more single women than men in the church or is it because righteous women outnumber worthy men?
My heart aches for my single friends. The single wards are so different than family wards. The amount of gossip, rumors, and immorality is shocking. I have a friend who is a RS president in a ward here in Orange County and maybe these circumstances are limited to the ward she happens to be in. I am glad to be out of the stress of being single and I wouldn't go back. When you wrote about your acceptance of being single for the rest of your life, I was impressed. I am not sure how I would hold up when faced with such a circumstance.
Sorry Kimberly if I am taking over your blog. I don't get a lot of intelligent conversation during the day and I savor any kind of mental stimulation!
My older sister got married at 19. Since two marriages in the immediate family had fallen through just months before, we all thought she was crazy, running away from her problems, etc.
Ten years later, they are still going strong and while I'm sure they have their moments I love visiting their home because it exudes love and peace (and noise! three kids under the age of 5). Everyone on here knows that happiness in marriage is defined by things other than age.
In Manhattan, and I presume in other areas where there are very large numbers of over-25 single LDS folks, there is certainly an issue of quality men and women not getting married, for whatever reason. Everyone can tell all sorts of stories, like the really swell guy who tried something with my wife's ex-roommate (back in the day) but was rebuffed, only to go on and marry someone younger who he met during a business trip to Chile. He found the woman of his dreams, not in Manhattan but 8,000 miles away.
The ex-roommate probably has a side to the story, as does the guy. Was he looking for a pushover, or was she expecting too much? Who knows? But being a man I must admit I see way too many guys in Manhattan being unwilling or unable to get with the program and seal the deal.
Long story short, I think with our generation there will be a shift in LDS demographics in terms of family size and age when/if married. Are we absorbing too much of the culture around us, or is it simply the inevitable result of a 1st world living standard?
The question why LDS men delay marriage baffles countless single LDS women, not to mention Church leaders at all levels. My husband Phillip agrees that many guys in our old singles ward weren't ready to commit, but it's hard to say why.
Maybe it's because young Americans feel an increasing sense of entitlement, and they're loathe to give up their free lifestyle for the cash-strapped responsibility of marriage. Or maybe it's because dating is more complicated (and therefore more intimidating) than it was in our parents' time. Maybe both.
At any rate, feminist movement notwithstanding, I think most of the dating responsibility still lies with the men, at least in Mormon culture. Many guys say they'd love to be asked out, but truthfully, if a girl asks more than once without being invited in turn, it ain't happening.
As for my thoughts on marrying at the ripe old age of 27 (it sounds so young, but it felt so old), it had its pros and cons. On the positive side, I'll be forever grateful that I got to serve a mission (Uruguay). I also learned a lot about myself, relationships, and life in general that I think made me a much better spouse than I would have been if I married at age 19 (though if God had prompted me to marry then, I'm sure He would have found ways to teach me what I needed to know).
On the other hand, all the freedom and fun of being single became rather bittersweet after a while as my efforts to find an eternal companion were repeatedly and inexplicably foiled. Worst of all, there was little I could do to further my cause.
If you want a degree, you can enroll and study; if you want a job you apply; if you want a talent, you practice. If the men you like don't like you back, there isn't much you can do to change that. What's more, it's hard to put your heart into preparing for a career when you could meet Mr. Right any day and be married in a year or two. Sometimes it was hard to put a cheerful face on my disappointment, and prepare for a career I might never pursue (and now probably never will, which I'm OK with).
Wow, that was a long comment. It could almost have been its own post, but it seemed more appropriate to write it all here.
Which reminds me--Caitlin, I am more than happy to read your thoughts at great length. As I may have said before, I created this blog in the hope that it would be a conversation, not a monologue. :)
P.S. The transition to spousehood, though significant, was nowhere near as jarring to me as the transition to motherhood.
I sometimes wonder though if we put too much responsibility on the men's shoulders.
The truth is that finding a person you want to spend the rest of your life with is perplexing and difficult, nigh impossible at best. I'm continually amazed that people marry at all; even timing attraction so that you both like each other at the same time is daunting.
And I think there are plenty of women who are not eager or unready to marry, although they may profess otherwise. I often wonder if I'm ready. I somehow don't think I quite am.
Anyway--what I'm basically saying (albeit badly) is that moving from singlehood to marriage is DARN tough, and maybe we women shouldn't be so quick to blame the men for not proposing to our amazing, beautiful selves. (Although I myself have done this frequently. Gotta work on that. :))
I agree with Kim that the transition to motherhood was infinitely more challenging than the transition to married life. For me, they were very closely linked. My husband and I even moved up our wedding date because the spiritual prompting about our first child's intense desire to be born was so very strong. He'd had enough waiting, and he zoomed into our lives barely eight months after we were married (he wasn't even willing to wait a full nine months!) So much happened during those first months as I followed more spiritual promptings and pared my life down more and more, dealing with ill health and eventually being diagnosed with preeclampsia. I gave up so much that had seemed such a large part of who I was before he was even born, and it seems that that process continues as our family grows. I sometimes wonder who I am now as more of the old me is rubbed away.
Maybe the most important change is the transition from innocent self-centeredness to selfishness. A new interpretation of my actions is necessary because the consequences affect so many more people. For example, staying up all night reading used to be bliss. Now, I am regularly drained enough that while reading Harry Potter, I had to order myself to bed at 4 a.m. (already too late) because I was making myself physically ill and decreasing my ability to be kind to my kids the next day. My pleasure in reading was decreased because it was a guilty pleasure--I would not be the only one paying the price, and the aftereffects would increase dramatically timewise as well because there would be no day after blissful snoozing. I was sleep starved for days, crabby for days. A very small vice in singlehood suddenly was magnified greatly. And that's the biggest change of all. All my faults matter so much and have so much power to touch my husband and my children. I wish perfection would come more quickly and easily, for my family's sake.
Since I don't comment often, it may be helpful to know that I am Beth and Kim's college roommate and also an RM. And Kim, I pop in and read more than you know. (Guatemala).
Have to qualify a misplaced parenthetical statement. I served my mission in Guatemala. I don't pop in from there!
Just for the record, after several years of being rebuffed and romantically sidelined, I gave up any serious hope of being in a relationship with my wife. Lo and behold, no sooner had such thoughts become fixed in my mind than the Mrs. 1. asked me out on our first date, and 2. made it clear in no uncertain terms that she would like to continue onto a second, third, fourth, and possibly even fifth date (provided I supply her with some ice cream in the interim). The rest, as they say, is history. So, should anyone feel a certain burning in the bosom, you should act on that. Having been spurned by numerous women since the age of 16, I cannot guarantee success, however life is about swinging at the pitches that are thrown to you.
Wow! KB, after kind of quiet recent activity in the comment section, we've got a full blown conversation here. This is great.
The kid-thing was probably more a shock for me than the married-thing. My own trials have been nothing to caitlin's in the kid dept., however. (I've been reading your blog.) I will definitely say that the decision for baby number one was motivated by, "You know, if we put this off one more year, we are just being really selfish." We looked at the 10,000 in the bank and said, trip to Australia (where I served my mission caitlin) or a home to bring the baby home to. We still haven't been to Australia. :)
I remember coming home from my mission, however, and finding the whole dating and marriage thing almost an incomprehensible difficulty. First of all, I got engaged within just a couple of weeks of coming home to the guy who waited for me. That lasted about a month until I realized that he was a committment nightmare--to me, to the gospel, to any of it. Then I found it hard to date. There is such a false stereotype about Sister RM's that I had some guys who practically ran screaming the other way when they found out I'd served, even if they had been interested before. After a few months of this, I finally got to the point where I quit telling people. In fact, the first guy I met who thought it was a plus that I was an RM was my husband. I never had to pretend around him, and that was great.
So why is it so hard? I was devastated after my engagement broke off and was confiding my difficulties to a friend who said, "It is unfair to pin all of our happiness on one person. How could anybody ever fulfill that need?" I think until I spoke to her, I really believed that when I found THE ONE it would be the person I found who filled every waking moment with joy. Silly, right? It isn't just 19 that is immature! But as each of us look for a companion (or live daily with our companions) we have to remember that we are all human. When we think FOREVER it is almost terrifying to think that this person might have faults, some of them pretty glaring!
I think single 20 somethings now are so innundated with noise--from ads, television, DVR, Video games, texting, cell phones that no time is made to just be still and listen sometimes. Women, with their sensitive, mothering instincts and their ability to multitask everything, I think, feel the pull of the Spirit more strongly and still desire marriage and family when they are young. Men have a harder time focussing in this noisy world. They don't feel that draw to settle as women do.
I posted about the Darcy Effect a few days ago in my blog; as a descriptor of what women are looking for. I think this latest craze in not getting married should be called the Friends Effect. Every sitcom is such a portrayal of single people just hanging out and swapping fluids well into their thirties. Such idiocy is the opposite of friendship. And while the sitcoms portray this meaningless lifestyle with total humor, the reality is that a group of friends would never survive it.
Last thing (sorry for another post on YOUR blog, KB!)I tutored a teenage LDS boy who NEVER dated, although he would sometimes go places with a large group of male and female friends. Why? He was terrified of a situation that might make him favor one of these girls before his mission. His attitude toward girls was almost weird, though no doubt it had been pushed into him by very well-meaning parents and YM leaders. I don't know how he could possibly begin to date normally when he got home without some serious re-education. But when will this take place? And how hard is it to undo so many years of looking at dating in a completely different way?
Anyway, those are my thoughts. But not being a single LDS man, it is likely I'm way off base. That won't keep me from shooting my mouth off though!
Beth, I can't count how many times I and other single women I knew called marriage a miracle. It's so hard to find the right person in the first place, and then to like them at the same time they like you, that it truly seemed like no one could manage it without divine intervention. Now that it has actually happened to me, though, it seems so easy. I suppose a lot of miracles seem like that in retrospect. (e.g. What were we so worried about? Of course God was going to part the Red Sea and then swallow up one of the biggest armies on the planet. Happens all the time.)
I imagine that's why well-meaning married folk ask singles why they don't just get married, as if it were as easy as picking an apple off a tree. The task seems so much easier once it's over, especially if they didn't have to spend years searching and struggling.
Cathy, first of all, it's nice to know you visit often. Hope Chicago's being good to you. Second, your comment about single self-centeredness becoming maternal selfishness hit the nail right on the head. It's staggering to think that every decision I make--good or bad--now affects several people, and I am keenly aware that my strengths and weaknesses will have an incredible impact on my daughter (and to a lesser extent my husband). Many of them will become the defaults she either builds upon or struggles to overcome. No pressure . . .
STM, I've never personally encountered male prejudice against female RM's, but the stories I hear baffle me. What intelligent man wouldn't love to marry a righteous woman who knows the Gospel and loves God and her fellowman enough to serve them 18 months? All I can think is that 1) Those guys are intimidated, or 2) They have their priorities in the wrong place. In either case, I'd rather keep looking.
That whole business reminds me of a friend who once asked me if I chose to pursue a Master's instead of a PhD because I worried men would be intimidated by the latter. The thought had never occurred to me, and that night I asked my two brothers what they thought. The proactive brother pursuing an MBA said he admired an intelligent woman who valued education. The lovable slacker brother who was probably out of work at the time said he'd be intimidated as heck. My conclusion after this brief, informal survey: the kind of guy I'd want to date would value the things I valued.
Lastly, about the tempting fantasy that Mr or Ms Wonderful will fill our every need and make our lives blissfully happy . . . my husband is absolutely wonderful, and he is also about as flawed as I am. When he occasionally does something that gets on my nerves, it helps me to remember that 1) He has to put up with a lot from me, too, and 2) He's both an incredible man and an incredible match for me. I wouldn't want to spend eternity with anyone else.
Boy, nothing gets twenty-something Mormons talking like the subject of dating and marriage.
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