I once heard someone relate the story of a husband who decided to sincerely compliment his wife at least once a day. He expressed his admiration of her virtues, her strengths, the way she nurtured their children, etc. After several days, his wife said, "I know what you're doing, and I thank you for it, but all I really want is for you to tell me I'm beautiful."
Now I won't deny that it is very important to me to know my husband thinks I'm beautiful. However, it disturbs me that the speaker implied that this is what EVERY woman wants MOST. Maybe some do (more power to 'em), but for my part it is even more important to me to know that my husband respects me, and that I inspire him to be better. In turn, those two qualities are what I love most about him.
In a recent post, Scienceteachermommy referred to this as the Darcy Effect. The term refers to Jane Austen's Mr. Darcy, whose love and respect for Elizabeth Bennett inspires him to be more humble and selfless. STM thinks Darcy's enduring appeal lies in the fact that his sweetheart's example motivates him to be better. I think there's a bit more to it than that (e.g. Elizabeth finds him inspiring, too; and her influence on him is more meaningful because he already has such high standards), but I definitely think STM has a point. I (like most women I know well) want a sweetheart who finds respects me and finds me inspiring, and I want to feel the same way about him.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
The best of men will certainly seek the companionship of such women and vice versa. Maybe this is why the gospel has such power to produce good people. We are taught from our mother's knees to subdue our most unkind and base impulses in order to enjoy real peace of spirit and harmony with others. A general authority (Perhaps Elder Maxwell?) said once that we should be ourselves, but that we should be our best selves. Certainly there is no set mold for any person to pour themselves into (ie, Mormon wife), but the challenge of life is to look deep inside ourselves and pull out what is best as often as we can.
I like the principle of being our best selves. The Lord gives us principles to live by, and as we apply them in our own style they magnify our personalities.
In fact, if you need any evidence that there's no mold for a righteous Mormon, just look at the Twelve Apostles. There's a cowboy, a scholar, a by-the-book schoolmaster, a warm-fuzzy story-teller, and on and on.
While I have to agree that putting our best self forward is conducive to happiness and harmony, I would also have to say that there is something to our faults.
One of the things that I love about my husband is that he loves the things about me that drive other people absolutely crazy. I think oftentimes that it is easy to love others' "best selves," but much harder to love the less "loveable" aspects of them. The fact that my husband does love my difficult side says that he loves all of me, not just the me on her best behavior.
I think this is also part of the appeal of Darcy. Despite his best intentions, some of the things he loved about Elizabeth were the very things that others looked askance at; her forthright way of speaking for instance.
I don't know, I've always preferred a hard truth to a comfortable lie, even when the lie is well-meaning. There is a sonnet by Shakespeare, one of my favorite in fact, that expresses this to some degree. I'll transcribe it here:
Sonnet 130
My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun;
Coral is far more red than her lips' red;
If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun;
If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head.
I have seen roses damasked, red and white,
But no such roses see I in her cheeks;
And in some perfumes is there more delight
Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks.
I love to hear her speak, yet well I know
That music hath a far more pleasing sound.
I grant I never saw a goddess go;
My mistress, when she walks, treads on the ground.
And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare
As any she belied with false compare.
I guess I would just rather know that my husband loves me for who I am completely rather than for the mask I put on.
And incidentally, about the "beautiful" thing. I recently asked the husband if he would be willing to be more affectionate in public. Not face-sucking or anything...just touching my back or my shoulder, a quick kiss...daily maintenance sorts of things. I just want to know that he wants to touch me and be near me--that he thinks I'm beautiful. He replied that he didn't do that because he didn't want to objectify me. He interpreted such PDA as putting a focus on my body as opposed to my thoughts and didn't want to give anyone else the excuse by setting the example. This is one of the reasons he's perfect.
Post a Comment